"If I keep on losing those who I care the most,
I better start digging graves by myself"
I said those words this noon...
cause I believed in my long life
I'll be the one who is left behind
What can you say
to those who died while being coddled in your arms.... ?
What's the last words you'll give
to those who died while listening to your heartbeat.... ?
I wasn't prepared
I remember to those three deaths
in the past three months
my mom whispered
"it's okay... you can go if you want to....
if you don't like it here... you can go if you want to..."
and the meows .
suddenly got slower .
and the tails stop wagging .
our first cat's death.... I remember he was smiling
his whole body was paralyzed
but he used up his whole last strength
just to smile, and wags tail
our second cat's death... I remember he was crying
I held him tight, around my arms, under my shirt.
close to my heart
and he literally gives a shit
then he died
our third cat's death... I remember me sleeping with her crawling into my arms
she died in the most painful way
I looked at her body, and wished that she was just falling asleep
like she did in my arms that time
I know she was just a cat
a stray cat that my mom took for shelter
I know she was just a cat
a creature that comes only when we serve its dinner
I know she was just a cat
a creature that crawls in my arms when I asleep
just to seek warmth, with no strings attached
the fact that she may not love me back .
I don't give a damn .
my eyes grew wet .
when I picked her up .
ans she weren't moving .
I swallowed my tears .
just trying to be tough .
every time my shovel hits the dirt .
I dropped a tear .
I'm trying so hard .
so that my sisters don't find me crying .
"I'm not that pathetic", I said in my mind .
"I'm not like them" .
I put her in the ground .
and I closed it .
I left the scene first .
my ideal death
is that no one is crying for me
my ideal death
is that everyone is happy, to see me moving on
I don't want my sisters, or anyone that's easy to cry, cry on my funeral
I've got to OUTLIVED them
that's what I have in mind
but not this time
today I lost a friend
that stops crying when I hug her
today I lost a friend
that sleeps faster when I'm there
today I lost a friend
that plays around you when you're praying
usually I hate those who cries
it reminds me of how much of an ass I used to be
but now....
the thing I want to say to the world
"it's okay... you can cry if you want to...
if you feel like it.... you can cry if you want to..."
I'd rather them calling me weak, calling me names,
but I lost a friend I care the most
perhaps my only one.... who speaks only the truth
she was there for me all the time
and I think that was more than enough for just a mere animal
If I choose to believe that animals can show love
I'll say, in my live
she's the only one who had loved me
I lost a friend today... and I had broken my vow of not to cry
and I don't see it wrong,
I'm glad I cried